Well I decided that I am going to use this as a diary. It is weird, I have always kept a mental diary.. so I am going to put things down in words. I had an interesting thing happen just recently.. I realized that perhaps my family is a screwed up as I thought. I have a hard time with them,.. I have always felt like the outsider, yet that my family was my basis for my moral core and the "good" that I had in me. Yet now I look and listen to them and I think... where does this goodnes come from. Why are they so confusing and what is going on in there head. I recently returned from a family vacation and thinking it would be nice to see them all, I realized that I felt just as I have always felt that I am the outsider... that I am essentially all by myself. I had always thought that the people that would most understand my longing to blast music in my car while smoking would be my family that I don't see very often, but I was wrong. It isn't them... where does this come from? I know that I am not adopted as I look just like them, and my sister and I could share dental records...

Does anyone else get joy from singing along to bad music, laughing at other people just for being people and feel like screaming at the top of their lungs? What kind of rambling is this?

Don't get me wrong... they yell. they enjoy the moments in life... I can think of many times.. great times..

Singing to Alanis Morrisette.. you live you learn. laughing at people for being people. like our neighbor that would come by to jog..

This likely makes no sense to anyone else that would read this..

I guess I am one of those people who has a million friends and can be in a crowded room feeling all alone..

I look really good on paper, I have tons of friends, and I am pretty good looking but yet... it is just me... just me.. always has been..

how great is umbrella by Rihanna.. weird taht I like her.. I am 30.